They say if you love something let it got, if it comes back it's yours...that's how you know...

I've got a lot of thinking to do. I've been dreaming my whole life, and accomplished nothing. Been waiting for something more, never knowing what it was. Telling myself to hold on to stupid ideals, just so I don't lose my "touch", my "virtue", that thing that made me so "special". For what? What did I get? .... Let's see... I abandoned like three careers that could've taken me somewhere. I got into three relationships, and broke up because I wasn't getting anything I thought I needed. But the truth is that I never knew what I needed. I just thought that what I had, wasn't enough. So I trade my relationships for what? Partying, drinking, vane relationships with people I didn't even like. Or maybe I did, but they were shallow, like...no one ever really got me, because I never opened myself to them. Why would I do that? In that case they would've known me and would've been dissapointed. I could never keep up with everyone's expectations, and it was so eaaasy just to show them what they wanted to see. Be what they wanted me to be. It was easy, and harmless. And I avoided getting hurt, but most of all, I avoided rejection, judgement, critiques, and live happy in the bliss of ignorance. That way I didn't see my flaws, I didn't know my mistakes. 
And here I am, after a sick and twisted relationship with a man that was even more deranged that I was, that showed me all the things I did wrong, all the people I hurt, that had the same train of thought I had, or have I'm still not sure about that, I though I'd changed, but the present shows me that I was wrong. I'm still living in a dream, I'm still waiting for Godot. I'm still wishing I was someone else because I'm still not comfortable with who I am. I still think that someday something will happen that will lead me to the right path, I still think I need THINGS to be better. I still think that changing my hair and renewing my wardrobe will make me feel better, or be better. 
All the insecurities I have now, are the same I had four years ago. Nothing changed. 
I have a boyfriend, who takes care of me, who calls me everyday just to talk, who takes me to nice places to spend a good time, who invites me on vacations with his friends, who even though he's a little clumbsy, and no good at writing or saying nice things, is always so thoughtful, kind.
But hey! It's me, so of course that's not enough, I mean is good for a while, but then I get tired, then I need something mooore....What the hell do I need to be happy??? I need fantasy, I need magic. I need someone that paints me a nice picture even though the background is rough, rotten, damaged. Because only when I know that there's a problem, is when they get my attention, only when I know that the person is worse than I am, is when I commit, when I "LOVE". Because if the person is fine, then why would he need me? I have issues, problems, I'm neurotic, I bring pain, conflicts, troubles, I can't do you any good because I'm not ok. So if you're ok, then you don't need me because I can't help you. But....if you have bigger problems than me, then I'm just what you need, I will take care of you, help you be a better person, and in the meantime, I can avoid dealing with my own problems, so it's a fair trade. I'm ok with that, why wouldn't you? I offer you a nice time, while you give me something to take care of other than my problems, which I don't want to deal with. 
The only difference now, is that I am aware of this. So, I'm with this kind, thoughtful guy, but all I do, is take it out to him, blame him for things that has nothing to do with him. Expect, demand, yell, cry, because it's soo hard TO DO. It's hard to take the reins and make ammends. And you know what's funny? I go to the shrink! I've been going since I was fourteen!!! 
I don't know...I don't know what I need to figure out, because it seems I have it all figured out. I know the problem, I just can't solve it. Not because I don't know how, but because I just don't. I don't know either is because I'm scared of growing up, or because I like to be like this. The thing is that I just don't solve it. How mediocre is that?? I know the solution, I just don't want to solve it. 
Only time will tell...I just wish that once and for all, I'd do something for myself, and fix whatever is wrong with me.